Looking back on the past 25 years of my life, I cannot think of a time when I didn't feel like a fish out of water, like there was something wrong with me, like I was on another planet from everyone else. I always seemed to be so different from everyone else, in a way that was difficult to explain. How could I say that faced with a situation involving groups (or even worse crowds) of people, I would feel miserable? That I didn't want to go out to any parties, that I hated pubs and clubs or that I didn't want to socialise with any more than one person at a time? For this I would have been called anti social, lol!How could I explain that I hated trying to make small talk and longed for deep and meaningful conversations about history, how important intellect and learning was to me, psychology, philosophy? Or even worse - that the times when my heart and soul has truly felt happiness has been when I have spent time with just my incredible mum and dad, when I have read a fascinating book in my room, or spent the afternoon in my room studying a subject that I have a passion for? For this, many have found me to be boring. I've always felt like the odd one out, even when I have tried I never ever quite fit in. For so long I felt that there was something wrong with me. And most of all, I felt like I was the only one who is like this - but I was wrong.
It seems to me that Western society is utterly and completely extroverted. People 'should' be outgoing, sociable, bubbly and, younger people especially, normally go to parties and have large groups of friends and lots of other people who they love to spend lots of time with. Society seems to view introversion as a problem - whereby an introvert is seen as an anti-social hermit, who needs help to improve their confidence and to improve their social life - so that they can be like everyone else.
I confess though that my harshest critic has been myself. I did not want to see myself as someone who could be viewed as some kind of anti-social, hermit. I tried to actually enjoy going to pubs and parties, not focusing so much on intellect and studying and tried to get to know different people. But it felt wrong, I was trying to be someone else and it made me feel even more awkward and weird than I ever did before!
It made me miserable and exhausted me - there's nothing more tiring than trying so hard to be someone you're not! But I hated to admit to myself that I was bored with normal small talk, that I was much happier studying and focusing on improving my mind. I've always felt ashamed of the way I am, that maybe I should be more outgoing, more 'sociable'.
Until now, I had no idea that there was any such thing as an introverted personality. Reading the internet articles about the signs of an introverted personality, I couldn't believe how much their descriptions were completely explaining what my personality has always been like. No one has ever been able to understand me (not even me in some ways). When I work somewhere and I'm the new girl - everyone always seems to think that I am weird, but suddenly so much about me makes sense. And, even more surprising, I discovered that in the way that I am and the way that I have felt about my personality - I am not alone.
For the first time I think I really see and understand myself. I feel no shame or guilt that maybe I should be the way society would wish me to be. I feel proud. I'm not an anti social hermit - I would like one close friend. But I don't need lots of people around me to feel happy. I feel very lucky to have an amazing mum and dad who love me completely for who I am. I'm not an extrovert - bubbly and outgoing - but I am intelligent, I'm very kind, and I feel things very deeply with a heart that hopes that one day everyone can understand that introversion is not a problem, infact it can often be a blessing in disguise.
Whether you are introvert or extrovert, be proud of who you are.
xoxo
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