Yesterday I faced a big milestone in overcoming my epilepsy anxiety and agoraphobia, a big obstacle that I managed to overcome! I haven’t been able to go to the cinema ever since becoming more and more anxious about my epilepsy, and I used to love going to the cinema so much. It was always a kind of a pick-me-up whenever I was feeling down, to go the cinema (as you may have guessed, alone). I have really missed it and there have been so many films that I have wanted to see :(
I was nervous all yesterday morning about going, I kept feeling that I was not ready for this big step yet – the thought of sitting in a room for two hours with other people around me only added to my agoraphobic fears. So I tried to take a bit of the pressure off by thinking if I go that will be great but if I don’t then I’ll just try again another time. But I think deep down in my heart I was determined to go. I must have been secretly determined because in the afternoon I was walking the 20 minute walk to my local cinema in the pouring rain, etc. But that was not the hardest part.
The hardest part was when I entered the cinema to find crowds of people queuing up for tickets. What was making it worse was that my anti depressants can often make my vision blurred – which made me so scared that I was going to have a seizure. I stood there so tempted to run out and walk back home again, but I kept telling myself ‘you’ve come this far, if you keep going you will feel such a sense of achievement’. I also kept thinking about what someone (who is also epileptic) told me a few years ago ‘If you have a seizure and people have a problem with it, then that’s their problem not yours’.
I was so relieved when I had bought the tickets and was sitting in ‘Screen 2’ waiting for the film, ‘The kids are alright’ to start. All I had to do now was focus on the film and just enjoy this experience like I did before I developed bad nerves. The film was great, with some funny moments too which really helped to calm my nerves. I soon began to relax and really enjoy the film. When it finished and I was leaving I felt so happy. I couldn’t believe that I had actually done it, I had actually sat in a cinema (like I used to love doing) with people around me for 2 hours. It was the longest I have been outside since becoming ill with anxiety!
Overcoming this obstacle must have been so good for me because I had a wonderful (and very vivid dream) about the girls who bullied me when I was in high school. In the dream I walked right up to them saying that they had been the root cause of my problems and they were not going to get away with it. I then pushed them right across the room like they would have if I had told any of the teachers what was going on. I have always dreamt about the bullies but I have never had a dream where I have been the victor, lol.
It’s true that we can often achieve more than we think we can. It just takes a huge amount of determination.
xoxo
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